This topic for me is sometimes very hard to speak about. It brings back memories that I wish wasn’t a memory. I think everyone struggles in school with the pressure of finding what you want to do when you leave, the stress of exams and trying to fit in. To me it was like walking through the gates of hell everyday and that’s not an exaggeration.
So, I left school in 2015. I’m 19 now and the struggles from school are still with me to this day.
I still can’t really explain what I was going through back then and I’m not the best at explaining it now. It’s almost a bit of a blur. I’ve been trying to erase everything from my mind but there’s still certain memories I will never be able to forget.
Everyone obviously has their good and bad days but for me, everyday was a bad day. I missed so much of school and wasted what was supposed to be the best years of my life due to my mental health. Some days I just couldn’t and didn’t want to get out of bed. Not because of laziness or wanting to skive, but because I knew I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t handle walking into school and staying the full day. What made it even harder was when people started picking up on how much I wasn’t coming in. So the comments started, “shock she’s not here again”. With those comments and knowing people were talking about it behind my back, built up the anxiety and made me want to avoid school and people even more. Seeing as I missed so much of school, I was failing pretty much every class. I wasn’t up to date with anything, people had their own groups and tasks in class and I was just there trying to understand everything and to be as positive as I possibly could be. During my time in school my parents split up which definitely made things very difficult. Other situations occurred as well and it was just one problem after the other. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t wake up, I was a zombie. I think a lot of people need to be more open-minded when it comes to mental health. If you’re smiling and laughing it doesn’t mean you’re the happiest person alive. The amount of times I pushed through my sadness and anger every day and cracked jokes, laughed and smiled. I tried to make things better for myself but it just made things worse. I created a second version of myself which was fake. When the weekends came around I would always go out because it was almost like an escape from everything and I could finally take my mind off life for a little while.
I will say something though, if you are struggling in school, you NEED to open up. I kept a lot of things bottled up and it took over everything. People ask me if I regret leaving school early and I always say no. If I really think about it, I do. I wish I tried to stick in and got better qualifications but at that time in my life I just couldn’t. I had to take a huge step and do what was best for me. I did have a few teachers who believed in me and tried to make things easier. I also had a big group of friends. It will never be forgotten. I guess what I’m trying to say is you don’t have to suffer alone. There are loads of people out there who are willing to support you. You just have to be willing to help yourself. It doesn’t matter if you don’t have the best grades, you tried your best and that’s what matters. All my friends are at university, college, jobs. I’m still figuring out everything. That’s OKAY. I do wish people were as understanding as they are now. Loads of people are posting about mental health and how it is okay to take a day off for yourself. It wasn’t okay for me to do that back then but I am glad people are more understanding now.
I am extremely nervous about posting this and I have been wanting to post this for days now but I have been too scared.. so please be kind. I could easily write more about this subject but I don’t want to drag on! thank you for reading. 🙂